Big Punnished

February 1, 2008

I made this music player at


Click the link to view some photo’s from Big Dave’s stay in the nick. 

A childish prank on an ex.

September 16, 2007

Just a little prank I played on an ex missus that turned a bit stalker on me.

Back again,

I have another tale about a deranged ex you might find amusing.

I wont go in to the relationship as it was only a couple of months in length but it turned out this chick and I moved in together as I was renting her parents house.

With my 21st birthday fast approaching I was keen to break it off with her so I could truly have a 21st to remember but she had other idea’s!

Once I told her it was over she shed a few tears as expected but what was unexpected was the fact that she didn’t pack her things instead she just stayed refusing to move out.

Next morning after a night on the couch I headed out for the day expecting her to be gone when I returned.

I was dead wrong!

Instead I returned home to find her in new lingerie waiting in the bedroom so I headed back to the couch with my mix bowl.

Now under normal circumstances I would have just moved house myself but I was in the final stages of growing some hydro weed in the spare room of the house and as I said her parents owned the joint(they nothing of the hydro)so it was all a little complicated.

For weeks I just had to put up with having this chick hanging around, finally as the hydro neared harvest I had it out with her which included her throwing a half full bottle of gin at my head just missing it but putting a huge hole in the wall.
This was fairly amusing as her parents owned the house.

She still would not leave however with some help packing her bags she she found the front door ok.

I set about harvesting and drying the buds asap and packing my gear moving in to a townhouse in Pearce.

That wasn’t it though!

Before I left I thought up a bit of childish revenge.

I had a photo of this chick smoking a bong so I left it in the lounge room with a bong and a bud sitting with it for her olds to see.

That satisfied my need for some revenge but the biggest laugh was yet to come.

During the house move this chick had agreed to find a home for the dog we had and one day I was meeting a pot customer I had from around the way and the same dog jumped out of his car as he pulled up to score.

The boys pointed out this guy had my old dog and I was like hey boy giving him a pat.

Then out of this guys car hops the chick!

I do the deal and leave because I can see the boys are barely containing there laughter.

As we drive of they lads burst in to hysterics as they had been calling out look “he has your old dog”.

Turned out he had a pair…ha ha

Nah that’s a bit harsh, she was actually a nice chick before she went stalker on me.

Still that was the joke for a while ha ha.

Back soon.

Time to tell you all about the worst day I ever had in Goulburn.

I got a going over by a few rogue screws, bloody DOGS!

Anyhow makes for some good reading and plus I like to expose Corrective Services NSW when ever possible as you probably already know..ha ha

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Back again,

Got a fairly hectic blog for you this morning, some stuff that went down at Goulburn and definanlty my worst day there that’s for sure.

Corrective Services wont like what I have to say but in saying that if I had to pick an event that forever made the staff of NSW Corrective Services my enemy this would be it.

Actually most likely if asked they will deny this even went down, DOGS!

The day it all went down started of fairly weird, nearly everyday inside is the same so the fact that me and a couple of mates decided to take a day of work from the gaol kitchen to get stoned and play “manila” or stunt poker I think some call it was a change already.

I headed to the clinic and lined up with my ID card to get a certificate with my mates to give us all permission to have a day off.

Once that was sorted and morning “muster” was over with we headed up stairs for a smoke closing my cell door behind us and mulling up.

Now I hadn’t smoked for about six months as I had been on a gym binge to put on some size so I was absolutely wrecked by the time we were finished smoking and was just chatting with the lads and having a laugh.

We decided to head to the yard for some fresh air and wandered out the door of my top landing cell, I had forgotten my smokes so I ran back to my cell as the others went down stairs.

Weed and smokes in my hand I wandered from my cell in a daze not even looking up.

I had walked from my cell half way up the landing before I looked up and saw three “squad” and a german shepherd coming toward me!

If you are wondering what “Squad” are they are like these rag tag groups of super

Nah they are groups of roid munching screws that dress in like jumpsuits and go from gaol to gaol looking for drugs and stamping out “unsavory” behaviour.

So being stoned, holding some weed and running in to them and a german shepherd is not a good situation!

There is only one way off the top landing and it was past the squad so I tried to casually turn and walk back to my cell to hide the smoko but as I turn they scream out “Stop There”

Instinct kicked in and I turned and high tailed thinking I would just hide the weed before they caught me but they let the dog go so I only made it a few cells.

I spotted a mate in his cell, ran in and gave him the weed hoping that while they searched me he could get rid of it.
I palmed it to him and popped back out of his cell in time to get tackled.

Once they searched us both we were taken to the end of the landing as all the boys were locked out as they went from cell to cell searching for drugs and weapons.

I caught up with my mate and was like how lucky was that!!

His expression told it all, as the screws came in the best place he could put the stash was under the pillow of a mate of ours which was going to be found for sure.

What was worse our mate would cop the blame.

I had f**ked up so I went to the gate to call the squad over and tell them where the shit was and that it was mine.

The squad just kept telling me to F**K off so I went down to some other screws and was like yeah I stashed some weed in my mates cell and basically that was where shit hit the fan.

It started calmly enough that screw was like good on ya mate doing the right thing and not letting a friend get in shit for it and we went up stairs to my landing where the squad were ripping the cells to bits looking for contraband.

He opened the gate and ushered me through to go tell the squad, locking the gate behind me making me the only guy in green with the whole squad.

I looked for the least hectic screw and wandered up to this normal none steroid taking size guy who was video taping what was going on and told him what was up.

This screws eyes lit up and he quickly walked me over to this short but very stocky and angry little napoleon type dude who had little man syndrome I think.

He told him and straight away he began cursing and trying to drag me in the cell where the smoko was which was a bit difficult for him until two more of his larger colleagues joined in dragging me inside my mates cell I grabbed the pot and handed it over.

They then asked was there more and of course I was like “no” so they took me to my cell pushing me inside.

As we went in the napoleon guy who was doing all the talking told the video man to stop recording which he did followed by him closing the door behind himself.

Of the other three one stood behind me as I stood in the middle of the cell and the other two stood in front of me with napoleon up in my face screaming about “who has the drugs’ “how do drugs get in to Goulburn” “Do I have more drugs”….etc…..etc.

Having been yelled at and put down by screws for a while at this stage I wasn’t bothered and just kept telling him I knew nothing and that a mate gave me the weed but he got out and I couldn’t remember his name.
Had they checked my record they would know I took five years and didn’t talk so a few screws are definantly not making me a dog!

Once it became apparent I was not saying anything things tuned ugly, napoleon had kept pointing to some split sugar replacement on the bench claiming it was drugs and as I looked at it he cold smacked me in the ear twice!

My first instinct was to put my guard up for a fight and napoleon laughed at me in a sarcastic way…”Do you really want to do that Mr Parsons”

I put my hands down and that was the most demeaning shit ever!!!!

As my hands went down the burly dude behind me grabbed my arms and locked them so I couldn’t get them free.

After that napoleon just kept asking me the same bullshit he asked me earlier, I stuck to my answer so he would clock me a few times, mainly in the back of the head as nothing breaks.(also it doesn’t hurt them as they wear leather gloves, like gardening ones).

The other big screw standing behind napoleon clocked me a couple of times to but I didn’t go down.
In fact I don’t think they wanted me down hence the fact they would wait a few minutes between hits, I think they liked watching me anticipate the next blows as you get a bit jumpy in this situation where you cant fight back.

After ten minutes they let me go and I went to the yard and had a coffee and told everyone what went down.

One pretty crazy dude had beef with me for not hiding the weed properly and wanted to go in the gym which I wasn’t really in the mood for after my ordeal but he kept bringing it up so I had no choice but to agree and we went to go to the gym.

As we headed out the door the guy who was basically running the show was like nah that is not going to happen cause Dave did the right thing and kept his trap shut.
I became really good mates with this guy and wont forget the favour as Im pretty sure with the state I was in and the fact the other dude was fitter, bigger and a straight up better fighter then me I would have a few battle wounds that I don’t have because of him.

That wasn’t it either, as the squad let me go they said they would be back any day within the next few weeks to either have a list of names from me or to in there words “use your blood to paint the wing”.

They even had this gay ass normal wing screw come remind me of the shit everyday!!
Rather mentally taxing as they can arrive anytime day or night and just sneak quitly in to your cell to do what they want and you have no where to go.

After about five weeks they hadn’t shown so I stopped worrying about it.

Then the normal screws banned me from having visits for three months and forced me to complete a three month “get ready for society” course to get parole and in turn it was the gaol holding the course that first recommended my ban from Berra.

So yeah that’s it guys, that’s the worst day I ever had locked up!
I saw worse but that is my personal worst.

Just a memory now, a story to tell over a beer.

To NSW corrective services….This story is 100% factual and accurate and you all need to re evaluate your system urgently or face massive community backlash.

To the members of the squad that were involved in this.. next time your at work and you are working a long shift and feeling tired waiting to get home in a few hours…..
As you look up at the fat guys sweaty balls while you kneel next to him and look through his possesions as your partner conducts a strip search think of this ITS EVIDENTLY CLEAR DAVE WINS AND YOU LOSE!

Also check me out co-hosting the gaol break radio show in Sydney on Oct 23rd as no doubt we will be discussing corrective services…HA HA  

Chased the wrong tail so I was chased with a knife.

The perils of a testosterone charged, pimple faced teen on a mission.

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I got a fairly amusing story from back as a youngster I was fifteen I think.

I was still living at home it was that far back and there was a cute chick that worked on the checkouts at woolies at Mawson a suburb near my original home suburb of Torrens.

So me and the lads would pass through there each night on our way home from the local basketball court to steal some lollies and have a perve.

She always noticed us and eventually came to a few of my notorious house parties held in the garage and backyard.

The first time she came by I was with another chick from school and she had a boyfriend this skitzo dude named Ben we all had heard of from ripping of dudes

Ben was like 19 and like six foot three which to us skinny juveniles was like a monster.

So anyway the girl comes by again her name was Joy by the way, so she comes around for one of my parties and it turns out her man has gone away to play union somewhere and visit family so I decided to try my luck and ended up with success.

So I saw this chick for a couple of weeks and then the monster returned and I disappeared thinking nothing of it.

So a few months goes by and Joy is all but forgotten and Im doing my thing.
Me and a few of the lads are walking through the plaza one day a while later when we are stopped by this hectic group of men asking who is Dave Parsons?

These guys look pissed off as and they demand we let them search our bags because we all said we new Dave but not where he was including me.

I thought I had a pretty big set of nuts at 15 but I wasn’t saying a thing cause I knew it would just seal my fate and have me in a bad way very quickly.

All this aside my main worry as they grab my mates bags and then go for mine is that I don’t know if I actually have any books in my bag or even if they have my name on them.

They go through my bag and hand it back slamming it in my chest and telling me to tell Dave they know Im all he is around the Woden and Tuggerenong area and they will find me!

The bag slam nearly knocks me down a small set of stairs Im standing near so Im thinking damn that was close as they head off and my heart rate returns to normal.

So we head of home and the other lads explain that the main guy that just came at us was Ben……Joys boyfriend!

Now I was used to having some pretty crazy older boyfriends and brothers on my tail but these guys and mainly Ben were a whole new ball game, it was even rumored that this local stabbing that put a guy in intensive care was Ben drunk one night!

I had like a shifty mode I would go into when the older boyfriends and what not were after me.
I would all ways have one of the boys walk a bit ahead to keep a look out or I would get off a bus a stop early and come up on the plaza up a side way, all ways on the lookout and packing a pocket knife for emergency’s.(a practice that got me in as much trouble as it did save me while I was a kid).

A few times I came out the side entrance at school after class and would spot Ben and co scoping the front of the school as I was sneaking through some flats and back through to Torrens or a mates place in the near by suburbs.

This all may sound pretty annoying but I spent half my real young years in this

A few other times I would see Ben at my local shopping complex at Mawson walking through the spots I hung out, he even once came up and as I spotted him I ran down a side alley and hit the underground drains that lead all the way to the suburb next to mine but still on my street all the way underground.

Then one morning I was going about my business on the escalator at Woden plaza on my way up.

I look at the people going down the other way and see Joy! looking next to her straight away and yes Ben is there!

I tried to look the other way but it was to late she saw me and he looked both aggressive and happy pointing to me and screaming out obsenities once she told him I was there.

He still had to go down though and I was going up so once the escalator got me to the top I started walking as fast as I could without running lol.

I looked back and he was coming up the escalator, I had one chance, my Mums boyfriend Steve was the manager of a tavern just outside the back of the plaza which wasn’t to far.

I kept my quick pace up and Ben wanting me outside didn’t run he stayed a little behind me gaining ground rapidly.

I walked through the sliding back entrance and jogged down the stairs and seeing Steve out front of the tavern jogged over!

Thanking my lucky stars I just get to him as Ben comes cursing over brandishing a knife but as Steve just heads straight at him he stops the advance and just calls out Im curse, curse, dead, curse, curse.

I hung out at the tavern for a while then cruised home, I never actually saw Ben again which was weird.

I stayed on alert mode for a month but when he didn’t show at any of my spots I went back to normal.

Gotta thank Steve on that one lol.Close call that one

Back soon.